I don't know which fantastic reader at the University of Georgia sent this to me, but whoever you are, the next time you are in NYC, I want to meet you. If you click on the link above, you'll find a piece of prose titled "How to find that perfect husband in college" and it's written by a cute little gumdrop who looks like she isn't old enough to buy a cheap bottle of white wine, let alone pick out the man she is supposed to spend the rest of her life with.
As the title describes, our heroine wants to show you how easy it is to find a lifelong partner while in college and confuses her college experience - years that misguided girls spend learning about themselves, the world and the people around them - with four vital years to do nothing more than land a husband. "The clock is ticking and the hunnies are being taken at an alarmingly fast pace. Our expiration dates are fast approaching."
Well. If that's the case, I really need to throw in the towel because a single, 29 year old woman is no more appealing than an old raisin found under the fridge.
Some of Amber's step-by-step directions include:
- Make sure to take Instagram photos with friends who are pretty, but never prettier than you.
- At the end of the night (after he's paid the bill and opened all of your doors), give him a simple kiss. A guy won't get down on one knee for a girl who gets down on both of hers.
- Bake for his frat brothers, encourage him to do well on his tests and impress his momma like the last round of sorority recruitment.
According to Amber, if you flawlessly execute these steps, "that Tiffany's ring will undoubtedly be sitting on your finger by the time graduation rolls around and you will be the future Mrs. Dr. Perfect."
OK. Let me start this by saying that I am in no way an authority on relationships. Not at all. I have an uncanny knack for finding and falling in love with the complete wrong men but I do believe that the quality of wrong men I've dated has gone up significantly since I was in college. Hell, it's gone up significantly in the past five years. Finding a husband or a wife is just not a strategic thing, and if you're treating it like one, take a little time to get to know yourself first. Yes, making a relationship work is hard, but it's love, and it has to happen naturally. Don't only go after the obviously rich guy or the perfect-looking girl - find the person that makes you happy. Marry the person that makes you feel good about yourself and challenges you. It's your heart, it's your happiness and it's your day-to-day life for the rest of your life.
Now I'm not saying that couples who marry young are doomed and irresponsible but what I am saying is that following some Southern Belle's rules for finding a "brilliant babe to replenish her bank account" is a damn joke and makes a mockery of marriage in the first place. Stay in school for a few more years. Go to law school. Become a lawyer so you can represent the lovely Amber in a few years during her inevitable divorce.